Divorce is a stressful time for anyone. The facts and statistics around divorce have changed substantially in the last few decades, and the truth is that divorce is not something that only affects younger couples.
In the United States, divorce rates for people 50 or older have increased steadily since the 1990s. There has been a surge in late-life divorces, now called “gray divorce.” What can couples facing gray divorce anticipate? What rights do you have concerning gray divorce in Washington State? What are the major reasons that older couples are divorcing?
What is gray divorce? Let’s review what gray divorce is, explore its critical factors, and look at both emotional and legal considerations concerning this phenomenon.
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The Rise of Gray Divorce Rates Among Older Couples
As generations enter the later stages of their lives and societal expectations change, so do the rates of divorce. Gray divorce has been changing for decades, with a rising trend in the United States and across the globe.
What is considered a gray divorce? The divorce rate of people over 50 has doubled since 1990, and it is estimated that gray divorces will triple by 2030. Many factors contribute to this, a major one being the difficulties of maintaining a decades-long relationship after the children leave home. Longer life expectancy, the pursuit of financial independence, and evolving social norms all contribute to this increase in gray divorces.
Studies conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons and various universities have revealed a “gray divorce revolution” that has affected those aged 50 and older. This trend has been observed in Canada, the United Kingdom, Japan, Europe, Australia, and India. In Japan, “Retired Husband Syndrome” has been responsible for this uptick in gray divorces, as couples of retirement age are suddenly forced to be in one another’s company, or at least much adapt to a new lifestyle that hasn’t been their norm for years.
Why are gray divorces increasing?
- Married couples are living longer
- Reduced divorce stigma
- Deciding to stay together temporarily “for the kids”
- Cultural shifts and generational differences
- Higher divorce rate for remarriages
In 2013, the Bureau of Labor Statistics discovered that divorce rates among baby boomers vary by level of education attained before the age of 50. Key issues such as dividing debts and property, dividing retirement benefits, spousal maintenance, health insurance and medical expenses, and adult children and grandchildren may factor into getting a divorce—though in some cases, these fears can keep people together.
How Gray Divorce Differs from Traditional Divorce
There are key differences between traditional divorce and gray divorce. Where traditional divorce typically involves younger couples who are navigating child support, custody agreements, and careers, gray divorce happens later in life to individuals age 50 or older, dealing with empty nest syndrome, independent children, or retired spouses. The reasons for divorce differ.
As discussed above, those experiencing gray divorce have to deal with pensions, retirement accounts, medical insurance, and a potential loss of spousal support. While child support is typically not a fact, gray divorcees must consider the emotional effect the decision can have on their adult children, as well as the shift in family dynamics.
Grief, loss, isolation, and loneliness are other major factors of gray divorce. Older people are more likely to have suffered the loss of a parent, sibling, or child, which can lead to spousal separation. They also can feel intense and prolonged bouts of loneliness as they leave jobs, lose friends, and face significant life changes. This can lead to a dissatisfaction with their spouse, especially if they do not feel loved or supported.
Also, regardless of age, infidelity, abuse, and incompatibility are factors that lead to divorce. While getting divorced as an older person can be daunting, sometimes it is necessary.
What Are The Main Reasons for Gray Divorce?
The factors that influence gray divorce are complicated, but in many cases, they are the same reasons why younger couples divorce. Addiction, abuse, and infidelity are common gray divorce reasons, but others are unique to couples who have been together for decades. When couples seek a gray divorce, their reasoning can be impacted by family, personal desires, or changing social norms.
Signs of gray divorce can be different depending on the couple, and here are a few causes:
Empty Nest Syndrome
Caring for children is a foundational aspect of most families, and the effort required demands extraordinary dedication and care. When the home is suddenly empty, some couples realize how much they’ve drifted apart and how much of their lives orbited around their beloved children.
Once their kids have grown, these couples may face a tumultuous time adapting to life alone. Some marriages cannot recover from this, and the struggle leads to increased frustration, irreconcilable differences, listlessness, and altered priorities. These feelings are normal and natural, but can result in late-life divorce.
Financial Disputes
Financial disagreements are one of the main reasons for divorce regardless of age, especially in the United States. In the case of older couples, finances can look entirely different as many gray divorces result in disputes over acquired wealth instead of a lack of finances. Investments, budgeting, retirement funds, travel, or property purchases might cause these arguments. While the specific reasoning can differ, any argument over money can strain a relationship and ultimately lead to a gray divorce.
Desire for a Happier Life
Marriage qualities and social norms have changed substantially in the last few decades, and older couples have become disinterested in the morays that once governed the reasons for why they should remain together. Unhappy marriages can be particularly difficult to navigate, especially if both parties feel disconsolate. We live in a time where individuals can seek rich lives and fulfillment post-divorce through avenues such as arts, hobbies, leisure, work, and family. Divorce is not the end, and it’s possible to find new happiness even later in life.
Individual Growth
Personal growth and individual interests can be difficult to pursue in some marriage dynamics, and older generations might feel that their devotion to their partner precedes their desires. People change dramatically as they age, regardless of their stage of life. Individuals find new passions, their romantic interests change, their priorities shift, and they seek out new and exciting experiences. When changes of mind don’t align with a partner’s, it can be difficult to maintain the marriage spark. In some cases, gray divorce is as simple as falling out of love and desiring something new or different.
Intimacy Issues
Regardless of age, all human beings require certain levels of intimacy. Lack of intimacy in a marriage can lead to divorce, even later in life. Whether it’s emotional or physical, couples need intimacy to remain in love. Gray divorce can be the result of a mutual failing of intimacy, individual despondency, infidelity, or any number of interpersonal factors.
Life-Altering Factors to Consider
At this point, you may be wondering how to survive a gray divorce. Don’t let anxiety or fear stop you from making an important decision—there is practical guidance that will help you and other individuals navigate this major life transition.
Firstly, it’s important to consider a few of the major factors of gray divorce:
- Legal costs (hiring a divorce lawyer)
- Division of assets (and debts)
- Expenses beyond divorce
Yes, divorce is expensive, but oftentime, those who are considering gray divorce are not also thinking of the benefits that can come with a desired separation and unwanted marriage.
For many older people, their many and varied relationships are tied to their spouse. Family, friends, and even coworkers might be connected through their partner, and so they might feel apprehension in “disconnecting” from this social and familial point. It’s important for anyone considering separation to take an inventory of their life—what they owe, what they own, and who is on their side. This can be difficult, but it’s an important first step.
Next, reach out to a divorce attorney. A good family lawyer will offer a no-cost consultation for prospective clients, where you can get a feel for their services and style. Interviewing attorneys is a good practice, and if you have a financial adviser or CPA, they likely know a few lawyers to recommend.
Speak with a financial planner, and not necessarily one already retained by your partner or your family. Use sound judgment here, especially if your partner is the breadwinner. Many attorneys specialize in divorce planning, and one thing a lawyer will tell you is to get your financial ducks in a row as soon as possible. Your financial life might look very different post-divorce, but this isn’t always a bad thing. Your ex-spouse may owe you a percentage of their retirement, QDRO, etc.
Here are 6 important factors to consider before beginning your gray divorce:
- Financial Impact – If you’ve been working outside the home for most of your marriage, or you suddenly lose access to an income stream, your income could be significantly reduced. It can be tough at this point in life to secure the skills, education, and time necessary for a decent-paying job.
- Financial Recovery – With fewer years left to work and contribute toward retirement, divorce can have a major impact, even if you gain a percentage of your ex-spouse’s assets.
- Alimony Orders – A former spouse may be ordered to pay alimony in regards to the number of years married.
- The Family Home – Will you need to sell your home? Who retains the house in a divorce? It’s important to consider the legal, financial, and familial ramifications of splitting up your children’s childhood home.
- Family Dynamic – Gray divorce often causes considerable changes that older people are unused to, including the relationship dynamics with friends, coworkers, and family.
- Health Insurance Coverage – Will you retain your health insurance post-divorce? It’s important to find out if your divorced spouse will remain on a group health insurance plan, especially if one spouse is not yet eligible for Medicare.
Financial Impact
Regardless of age, divorce can significantly impact your financial situation. If
you have shared assets (such as a house or retirement savings) the financial impact can be even more worrisome. Before finalizing a divorce, it’s essential to consider the financial implications, including division of assets, living alone, and spousal support.
There are a few steps you can take to minimize the negative financial consequences of a gray divorce:
- Speak with an attorney: A lawyer can offer advice as to which way your finances might be most impacted, especially concerning things like assets, property, QDROs, and more.
- Consult with a financial adviser: A financial adviser can show you the long-term financial impact that divorce creates, and give you advice on how to mitigate this impact and develop a realistic budget.
- Consider collaborative divorce: An amicable divorce can be very cost-effective and is less financially impactful than traditional litigation. You will work with a neutral third party to reach an agreement that’s mutually beneficial rather than relying on the court.
- Prioritize personal assets: Protect your investments and financial future by prioritizing your assets. Consider those with long-term financial value, such as retirement accounts and property. Emotional Impact
Gray divorce is a significant emotional adjustment for all parties involved. A common regret is loss of companionship, even if the divorced parties felt like their marriage wasn’t what it used to be. There can also be the emotional impact on family, and adult children’s response to late-life separation.
It can be difficult to adjust to life as a single person after decades of marriage. Feelings of loneliness arise, and many couples have shared meaningful experiences together and built deep connections with one another that they might be surprised they miss. Without emotional support, this can be a very challenging time.
It’s important to consider community after a gray divorce. Seek out clubs, churches, or organizations to take part in and keep yourself in a healthy, collaborative state of mind. Seek support from friends, family, and professional therapy. Don’t go it alone. Also, older individuals shouldn’t put off dating—it’s always possible to start new, and experiences shouldn’t be limited regardless of age.
Health Concerns
As we age, health concerns become more prevalent. You or your spouse might have health issues, which can be impacted by a shift in finances and physical or emotional support. Divorce might significantly impact the ability to provide or receive care, which is a concern for many considering gray divorce.
There is also the consideration of regret, and how divorce might impact health later in life. Having a spouse to provide care and support is significant, but it’s also possible for health to dwindle without someone by your side.
Individuals struggle with health issues alone regardless of age. Without a support system, it’s easy for important things to fall by the wayside. Talk with a family law or estate planning attorney to find out the possible impacts before separation; an attorney will help you understand the issues at hand before the divorce is finalized.
Legal Matters
Divorce is a complex legal process, even when it’s amicable. Separating assets, property, and debt is challenging, and it’s paramount that you consult with a lawyer to understand all your legal obligations. Speaking with an experienced family law attorney can help you understand your rights—you may have access to alimony or separation support depending on your situation, especially if you stayed home and took care of the children for decades while your spouse worked and accumulated a retirement fund. Depending on your individual or shared income, you may face significant benefits or losses.
Retirement Plans
Retirement plans can be significantly impacted by divorce. Social security, pension plans, and QDROs will all be split by you and your spouse, and you must consider the potential aspects of divorce on any retirement plans you have. Before considering divorce, you should work with an estate planning attorney so that they can walk you through your options and help you understand what percentage of your retirement plan goes to you and your spouse.
Hiring A Divorce Lawyer
Gray divorce comes with its fair share of complications and difficulties. It’s important to remember that it’s not impossible to start over, no matter what stage in life you are at. Personal happiness and security are paramount to everyone, and if you are strongly considering a late-life divorce, you need expert legal advice from a trustworthy divorce lawyer with years of experience.
Skyview Law’s family law and gray divorce lawyers have decades of experience in divorce and gray divorce. We offer you the empathetic support and expertise you need to make the right decisions. Call today for a Free Case Review, and we will help you understand your legal rights and obligations during an ongoing gray divorce.
